Hey, did I tell you how I manage as a Questioner/Rebel?

Dear Liz,

Fair warning, I'm going to cut a little loose on this one. There are many times where I am self-possessed, logical and calm. Other times I feel like I'm holding on by my fingernails. This was a fingernail week.

That being said, in my last letter I talked about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendency framework. I am a Questioner, yes, but one that leans towards Rebel. This means I often bristle at being tied down to a plan in advance when I don't know what I'll feel like doing that day. I highly value individual considerations and personal choice. I default to using the information-consequence-choice strategy most naturally with my kids because it just makes sense to me.

In thinking about that this week, I was considering how use it to enable me to more appropriately handle my emotions during a really challenging time with the kiddos. I have been struggling with anger as they have both seemed to hit some sort of brain rewiring phase simultaneously. Phineas has been very physically aggressive and has been consistently violating our very well ingrained family expectations about how we handle basic conflict (especially with his sister). Of course he's been as well behaved and angelic as usual at preschool, but at home is pretty much igniting conflict as soon as he gets in the car. And the arguing. THE ARGUING. Everything. All the time. Is. An. Argument. The other one who is getting the brunt of this is Esme, who around the same time has started turning into screaming toddler Hulk the instant - and I do mean instant - she is displeased in any way. The other day in the car, Phineas was arguing with me after I answered a question he had about car seats (he took umbrage to my wording and insisted that he is not "young"). Esme started kicking, screaming and crying in her car seat, chanting "I WANT TO BE YOUNG!!". So yeah, that's my reality right now. As a Questioner, I know it would be very calming to simply be able to do the research and have concrete logical and physiological reasons that this is happening. But, much to my chagrin, that is rarely possible with parenting. Oh, your child seems possessed? Might be the weather. Or lack of structure. Or too much structure. Or a growth spurt. Or they are getting sick. Or they are reaching a new developmental stage. Maybe not enough one on one time. Have you had them tested for food allergies?

Sigh.

So in the midst of recalibrating the both of them on behavioral expectations, and trying to give them tools to manage their burgeoning psychosis normal neural development, I find myself wanting to hulk out as well (mine looks more like wide crazy eyes and gritted teeth while I speak slowly and creepily in an attempt to control myself, sending them to separate parts of the house as I compose myself enough to manage the issues at hand).

Anyways, I decided to try using an understanding of Rebel strategies to get a hold of myself. One of the main strategies - appealing to identity - really resonates me, so this weekend I'm going to remind myself of my aspirational identity as a mother:

I'm not an angry or volatile mom.

I don't let my big emotions impede my ability to guide my kids through theirs.

I reflect the love of God to my children.

I find just the exercise of thinking about and writing these identities down very grounding because they aren't just nice phrases, they are deeply personal. It's who I want to be.